To whom it may concern,
Let's just lay it out there: I'm sick of you. I've spent the last three years wishing, wishing that we could be together. According to you, as of late, it could have worked out once. Thanks for telling me now when it matters. I've sat on my couch with you for hours and hours talking about our lives, talking about what fucked up things happen to us. This should cascade into passionate sex or making out, but it ends with a subtle "goodbye" as you grab your coat and leave at 11:30. Why's this? Because you're just my best friend. My best fucking friend. Right? Is this just another blog about the friend zone?
Sure, perhaps it is. But I like to think that there is more to this.
I don't know why I stuck around this long. I've tried to break it apart a few times now but just can't. Apparently we've decided that we need each other or something. "We were made for each other." Did you know you even said that? Did you? So what's that supposed to do to a guy that has professed his love for you? Seriously. I want this little flower to die. I want the sun to burn out and for a husky Filipino landscaper to step on that fucking flower and for it to decompose into bad soil that nothing will ever grow in again. We're concentrated on falling apart. We were contenders, we're just throwing the fight. I just want to believe in us.
No, fuck you Jesse Lacey. I've given up on that and you're partially responsible for why I'm here right now.
I think I've figured you out. Cynicism may play a roll in it, but I think I've gotten to the bottom of your "tortured soul." I get it, your life sucks. You've spent so many nights and texts telling me that that I think I should know by now. Bur really, what the fuck do you have to worry about? You're rich, indescribably gorgeous, you're dating the guy that so many other girls would die for, you get good grades, you have everything going for you. Maybe that's just it. This little persona you want to put on. You want everyone to think that you hate everyone. That you're depressed and independent and just don't give a fuck. But really, inside, you're just screaming to be the greatest. That's why you dress up so pretty every day. That's why you date one of he biggest studs at AHS. Because you want to be cool without being cool. What the fuck does that even mean?
I get that analyzing people is bad and never really gets to the bottom of anything, but I really thought I could figure you out, but I just can't. Everything I said above is completely wrong.
I don't get why you need me so much. All I've ever done was listen and watch bad indie movies and show new Brand New songs to you. Don't you have girl friends for that? Ones that aren't in love with you? Ones that aren't torn into pieces every time they have to see you with that guy?
Is that what this is about?
Yeah, I think so. Maybe I'm selfish, yeah, I probably am, but why have I been wasting so much time with a girl that has none of the same feelings as me? Fuck me, I've lingered with you for so long. When I like girls, I still like you more. There is something so so so wrong with that. I'm a decent looking guy. I could have just gotten over you and found another decent girl to spend some time with. But no. There's something unspecial that makes you so special. I want to hate you, because I should, but I can't. I can't hate you at all because you're so god damn perfect for me. Everything I've ever seen in you is what I've always wanted in a girl. I hate perfection. I like fucking flaws. I like neurotic girls that are incredibly OCD and hate everyone and used to hurt themselves and what to fuck Jesse Lacey and who like Shakespeare. I don't know why. I really, really don't. All of those things are so incredibly unattractive. But here's the thing: they're real. The thing I can't comprehend is why you would waste your time with someone so incredibly fake.
You told me you can't live without me. You told me I'm the only one who understands you. You told me everything about you. I've told you everything about me. I told you I need you in my life.
This is me cutting you out of my life.
If you need someone to talk to, talk to your fucking boyfriend. That's what he's there for. If you need someone to talk about music with, find some other loser who likes Brand New and Jack's Mannequin and La Dispute and whatever else I've thrown at you to talk to. Either that, or drop your loser ass boyfriend. Because as so so so fucking depressing as it is, I'll always be here. It's me or the jock. That's my last ultimatum.
I can finally say I hate you. I may pause for a second and read it over a few times just to make sure I mean it. But I'm pretty sure I do. I've gone four days without talking to you. I've gone four days without looking at you. But I have not gone a day without thinking about you. And that won't change. You're always there. There's just some things you can't bleed out.
Try and figure out what spawned this all. I bet you won't. In the mean time, I'm still waiting for you to text me asking what's wrong, and I'm waiting to delete that text without replying. Now go clean up your yard. Someone made you miserable by vandalizing your house. May god bless their souls.
You are colder than oldness could ever be. And you are bolder than buzzing bugs.
Yours fucking truly,
ae
--
I say "fuck" 13 times in this entry.
Wednesday
Nice to see you depression, it's only been a week or so since we had coffee last.
Assuming no one will ever read this:
So fuck life, you know? Things have been pretty shitty in the line of girls lately for me. First: I realized I am in love with my best friend. That is so cliche, isn't it? It's like the subplot of a movie, skinny emo kid falls in love with best friend that happens to be a beautiful, misunderstood girl. Skinny boy gets sad because he doesn't want to be in love with her. He wants to be her friend. Well, kinda. He secretly wants to be together, but he understands that she needs him as a friend more than he needs her as a girlfriend. Except no one's directing this one and skinny boy manages to find it in his heart to keep her with him as a friend. La de fucking da. Second: how things can change in less than 24 hours. So, you see all that shitty poetry/writing below? That's about this one girl I was hung up on like three months ago. She's the reason I'm in this fucking bullshit production of Pride & Prejudice at school. Think metaphorically while reading the latter writings to figure out what went on there. About a week ago, we started casually talking again. Very brief and stuff. Anyways, so Monday, girl gets call from ex-boyfriend at practice, and whatever went down was pretty upsetting. It was a pretty bug deal, with the cast being so close, I caught wind of it. So, after I get home from practice, I text her. I had been thinking about her a lot. A lotttttt. Like, a lot. Enough said. I basically tell her that I want to be friends again. I actually meant I wanted to go back to where we were before our fallout, but she took that as "friends." Less than a minute after texting her, she calls me. Crying. Apparently, she had been on the phone with ex in the parking lot for like an hour, and after she got my text, she felt obligated to make amends with all the boys in her life. I was genuine and nice about it.
That's because I didn't want to hear it.
So, things were good Tuesday at practice. We talked friendly, and things seemed good. You know, like they always do. After practice, as I'm leaving, she catches me alone. There she formally and in person restates what she said on the phone, and apologizes for calling me in that state.
"Yeah yeah yeah, it's fine, don't worry about it."
Things are cool until about two hours ago.
So, me and one of my best friends on earth, also in the play, also good friends with girl, are talking about everything regarding this. I ask him what ex said on the phone to her that fucked with her head so much. He tells me that he asked if she liked this other boy, and she said kinda and he freaked out and blah blah blah blah fucking blah.
Wait, hold up.
Let me tell you a little about girl and boys.
So, girl's perfect and nice and pretty and smart and yeah. That means a lot of losers are going to fall for her. Hardy har, I was one of them. I'll get back to that. So, things started between us when we go to the school's formal dance. Here's the thing, she turned down best guy friend 1 and best guy friend 2 for me. 1 and 2 hate me for stealing their royal queen, yeah. I criticize how they waste their whole fucking high school career on one girl that only wants to draw robots and watch Arrested Development with them. Things are good, things are bad, I write bad poetry, I make a band and write songs about her, Pride & Prejudice, yeah, now we're back where we left off.
Remember when I was talking about her liking this boy that caused ex to freak at her? Hello, I'd like you to meet Best Guy Friend 2.
We ran together, he likes neon and robots and Mason Jennings and whatever. He was supposed to be the lovesick loser that gets fucked over when her and I get together and be all happy and bullshit. My best friend whose friends with #1 and girl tells me that they're trying to see how things go.
This makes me realize something:
I can't be friends with Anna.
I can't not have feelings for Anna.
I've only felt things for two girls in my life, and both of them ripped my heart out in the last 10 days.
The thing is, I'm not so much sad that I can't be with them. I'm sad that I can't get over my feelings. I wish I could go to parties and hook up with shallow drunk girls and do that again and again and again. But I can't control my emotional connection to these girls. I fucking can't.
I want David to rot in hell. I want him to die. Or go to Princeton or something. I want to be with Anna. I want to be with her like we should be.
But something about he can't make a move.
I stand frozen, watching myself melt.
I want to carve in my chest "DONT LOVE: IT ONLY MAKES YOU CARVE SHIT IN YOUR CHEST." But I have hope in finding hope. Fucked up, isn't it? The fact that I know I'll never love. I'll be a pathetic lovesick shitty musician living with my parents my whole life. Fuck "Alec, you're only 17." No. My life is [500] Days Of Summer. My life is pathetic.
My life is like this because it is swayed by love. Love makes me hurt myself, love makes me hurt others.
But, it still comes back. And I don't even know it.
The fact that I wrote this blog should tell you I'm depressed. I hope things will work out, but they won't. I should go drink a lot of hard liquor. I should go smoke a few cigarettes. I don't know. I should be more brave and let myself take falls.
I should do a lot of things.
See ya blog. I hate you.
-ae
--
I say "fuck" 10 times in this entry.
So fuck life, you know? Things have been pretty shitty in the line of girls lately for me. First: I realized I am in love with my best friend. That is so cliche, isn't it? It's like the subplot of a movie, skinny emo kid falls in love with best friend that happens to be a beautiful, misunderstood girl. Skinny boy gets sad because he doesn't want to be in love with her. He wants to be her friend. Well, kinda. He secretly wants to be together, but he understands that she needs him as a friend more than he needs her as a girlfriend. Except no one's directing this one and skinny boy manages to find it in his heart to keep her with him as a friend. La de fucking da. Second: how things can change in less than 24 hours. So, you see all that shitty poetry/writing below? That's about this one girl I was hung up on like three months ago. She's the reason I'm in this fucking bullshit production of Pride & Prejudice at school. Think metaphorically while reading the latter writings to figure out what went on there. About a week ago, we started casually talking again. Very brief and stuff. Anyways, so Monday, girl gets call from ex-boyfriend at practice, and whatever went down was pretty upsetting. It was a pretty bug deal, with the cast being so close, I caught wind of it. So, after I get home from practice, I text her. I had been thinking about her a lot. A lotttttt. Like, a lot. Enough said. I basically tell her that I want to be friends again. I actually meant I wanted to go back to where we were before our fallout, but she took that as "friends." Less than a minute after texting her, she calls me. Crying. Apparently, she had been on the phone with ex in the parking lot for like an hour, and after she got my text, she felt obligated to make amends with all the boys in her life. I was genuine and nice about it.
That's because I didn't want to hear it.
So, things were good Tuesday at practice. We talked friendly, and things seemed good. You know, like they always do. After practice, as I'm leaving, she catches me alone. There she formally and in person restates what she said on the phone, and apologizes for calling me in that state.
"Yeah yeah yeah, it's fine, don't worry about it."
Things are cool until about two hours ago.
So, me and one of my best friends on earth, also in the play, also good friends with girl, are talking about everything regarding this. I ask him what ex said on the phone to her that fucked with her head so much. He tells me that he asked if she liked this other boy, and she said kinda and he freaked out and blah blah blah blah fucking blah.
Wait, hold up.
Let me tell you a little about girl and boys.
So, girl's perfect and nice and pretty and smart and yeah. That means a lot of losers are going to fall for her. Hardy har, I was one of them. I'll get back to that. So, things started between us when we go to the school's formal dance. Here's the thing, she turned down best guy friend 1 and best guy friend 2 for me. 1 and 2 hate me for stealing their royal queen, yeah. I criticize how they waste their whole fucking high school career on one girl that only wants to draw robots and watch Arrested Development with them. Things are good, things are bad, I write bad poetry, I make a band and write songs about her, Pride & Prejudice, yeah, now we're back where we left off.
Remember when I was talking about her liking this boy that caused ex to freak at her? Hello, I'd like you to meet Best Guy Friend 2.
We ran together, he likes neon and robots and Mason Jennings and whatever. He was supposed to be the lovesick loser that gets fucked over when her and I get together and be all happy and bullshit. My best friend whose friends with #1 and girl tells me that they're trying to see how things go.
This makes me realize something:
I can't be friends with Anna.
I can't not have feelings for Anna.
I've only felt things for two girls in my life, and both of them ripped my heart out in the last 10 days.
The thing is, I'm not so much sad that I can't be with them. I'm sad that I can't get over my feelings. I wish I could go to parties and hook up with shallow drunk girls and do that again and again and again. But I can't control my emotional connection to these girls. I fucking can't.
I want David to rot in hell. I want him to die. Or go to Princeton or something. I want to be with Anna. I want to be with her like we should be.
But something about he can't make a move.
I stand frozen, watching myself melt.
I want to carve in my chest "DONT LOVE: IT ONLY MAKES YOU CARVE SHIT IN YOUR CHEST." But I have hope in finding hope. Fucked up, isn't it? The fact that I know I'll never love. I'll be a pathetic lovesick shitty musician living with my parents my whole life. Fuck "Alec, you're only 17." No. My life is [500] Days Of Summer. My life is pathetic.
My life is like this because it is swayed by love. Love makes me hurt myself, love makes me hurt others.
But, it still comes back. And I don't even know it.
The fact that I wrote this blog should tell you I'm depressed. I hope things will work out, but they won't. I should go drink a lot of hard liquor. I should go smoke a few cigarettes. I don't know. I should be more brave and let myself take falls.
I should do a lot of things.
See ya blog. I hate you.
-ae
--
I say "fuck" 10 times in this entry.
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