Nice to see you depression, it's only been a week or so since we had coffee last.

Assuming no one will ever read this:

So fuck life, you know? Things have been pretty shitty in the line of girls lately for me. First: I realized I am in love with my best friend. That is so cliche, isn't it? It's like the subplot of a movie, skinny emo kid falls in love with best friend that happens to be a beautiful, misunderstood girl. Skinny boy gets sad because he doesn't want to be in love with her. He wants to be her friend. Well, kinda. He secretly wants to be together, but he understands that she needs him as a friend more than he needs her as a girlfriend. Except no one's directing this one and skinny boy manages to find it in his heart to keep her with him as a friend. La de fucking da. Second: how things can change in less than 24 hours. So, you see all that shitty poetry/writing below? That's about this one girl I was hung up on like three months ago. She's the reason I'm in this fucking bullshit production of Pride & Prejudice at school. Think metaphorically while reading the latter writings to figure out what went on there. About a week ago, we started casually talking again. Very brief and stuff. Anyways, so Monday, girl gets call from ex-boyfriend at practice, and whatever went down was pretty upsetting. It was a pretty bug deal, with the cast being so close, I caught wind of it. So, after I get home from practice, I text her. I had been thinking about her a lot. A lotttttt. Like, a lot. Enough said. I basically tell her that I want to be friends again. I actually meant I wanted to go back to where we were before our fallout, but she took that as "friends." Less than a minute after texting her, she calls me. Crying. Apparently, she had been on the phone with ex in the parking lot for like an hour, and after she got my text, she felt obligated to make amends with all the boys in her life. I was genuine and nice about it.

That's because I didn't want to hear it.

So, things were good Tuesday at practice. We talked friendly, and things seemed good. You know, like they always do. After practice, as I'm leaving, she catches me alone. There she formally and in person restates what she said on the phone, and apologizes for calling me in that state.

"Yeah yeah yeah, it's fine, don't worry about it."

Things are cool until about two hours ago.

So, me and one of my best friends on earth, also in the play, also good friends with girl, are talking about everything regarding this. I ask him what ex said on the phone to her that fucked with her head so much. He tells me that he asked if she liked this other boy, and she said kinda and he freaked out and blah blah blah blah fucking blah.

Wait, hold up.

Let me tell you a little about girl and boys.

So, girl's perfect and nice and pretty and smart and yeah. That means a lot of losers are going to fall for her. Hardy har, I was one of them. I'll get back to that. So, things started between us when we go to the school's formal dance. Here's the thing, she turned down best guy friend 1 and best guy friend 2 for me. 1 and 2 hate me for stealing their royal queen, yeah. I criticize how they waste their whole fucking high school career on one girl that only wants to draw robots and watch Arrested Development with them. Things are good, things are bad, I write bad poetry, I make a band and write songs about her, Pride & Prejudice, yeah, now we're back where we left off.

Remember when I was talking about her liking this boy that caused ex to freak at her? Hello, I'd like you to meet Best Guy Friend 2.

We ran together, he likes neon and robots and Mason Jennings and whatever. He was supposed to be the lovesick loser that gets fucked over when her and I get together and be all happy and bullshit. My best friend whose friends with #1 and girl tells me that they're trying to see how things go.

This makes me realize something:

I can't be friends with Anna.
I can't not have feelings for Anna.

I've only felt things for two girls in my life, and both of them ripped my heart out in the last 10 days.

The thing is, I'm not so much sad that I can't be with them. I'm sad that I can't get over my feelings. I wish I could go to parties and hook up with shallow drunk girls and do that again and again and again. But I can't control my emotional connection to these girls. I fucking can't.

I want David to rot in hell. I want him to die. Or go to Princeton or something. I want to be with Anna. I want to be with her like we should be.

But something about he can't make a move.




I stand frozen, watching myself melt.





I want to carve in my chest "DONT LOVE: IT ONLY MAKES YOU CARVE SHIT IN YOUR CHEST." But I have hope in finding hope. Fucked up, isn't it? The fact that I know I'll never love. I'll be a pathetic lovesick shitty musician living with my parents my whole life. Fuck "Alec, you're only 17." No. My life is [500] Days Of Summer. My life is pathetic.

My life is like this because it is swayed by love. Love makes me hurt myself, love makes me hurt others.

But, it still comes back. And I don't even know it.



The fact that I wrote this blog should tell you I'm depressed. I hope things will work out, but they won't. I should go drink a lot of hard liquor. I should go smoke a few cigarettes. I don't know. I should be more brave and let myself take falls.

I should do a lot of things.



See ya blog. I hate you.

-ae



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I say "fuck" 10 times in this entry.